*Written two weeks before the Christmas break.*
In all honesty, I am writing this from the comforts of my bed and in my pyjamas . I think that shows you what kind of state I am in at the moment.
Have you ever been given a task and just thought “I just can’t be bothered”? Seems like this whole past month has been like that for me. Uni work has just piled up and this is further exasperated by the two week self isolation I have inflicted on myself so I can get home at some point this semester.
I think it is quite apparent that I am burnt out. The creative juices have truly gone and flown the nest. This is very annoying considering I have another two weeks worth of work ahead of me, but no motivation to actually do it.
Burn out and a creative block can happen as a result of working intensely, and I feel like this is happening to a lot of students. As stated before in previous blog posts, our bedrooms have turned into our studio spaces, therefore creating an environment that means we cannot escape the work we are currently working on. Of course this does have its advantages too, you can wear your pyjamas all day without anyone questioning you and the kettle is only a few steps away, but it can also feel like you are a little trapped in your world of university work.
I always thought that this platform was always a place that I could express my worries, concerns and the breakdowns too. It is also (hopefully) a place where other students can relate to some of my experiences and feel somewhat comforted that someone else feels the same way too.
At the moment, I think number one concern is, am I actually good enough to go into design? It is a question that every design student is thinking. Is the work that I am creating good enough for the world to see? At Edinburgh, third year (out of four) is a time where we start entering competitions and preparing our work for portfolios. It is definitely a little bit of a scary time, especially if you think your work isn’t up to scratch.
I am realising that I am, doubting myself and my abilities. I have even started doubting if I even want to go into design at all after this degree. Is it really for me?
However, from a talk with a tutor of mine, I discovered it is quite natural to feel like this. I took comfort from what my tutor said to me and realised that I don’t have to have my s*** together as such. She explained that a lot of students feel like this when they reach this stage and are scrambling to discover what their style is and their interests too.
Personally, I believe society puts too much pressure on young people and what they want to do as a job. It was only three years ago that I was studying in order to achieve a place on this course. That was not such a long time ago!
I know my doubts are worrying at this stage. Every now and then, I think if I am even doing the right course or if university was even the right path to make. I mean, it is too late now, and the thought of dropping out when I have got this far, terrifies me. But I can’t deny it, those feelings are there.
Burn out can really make you doubt all your decisions. So once I have finally finished my abundance of work, I will definitely be taking a well deserved break, far away from anything textile related! Actually, that is most likely going to be broken.
My philosophy is that I am allowed to feel like this. You are allowed to feel unsure about your next decisions and what you truly want from life. After all, change is part of human nature.
This whole year has been a bit up and down and I and every design student, actually all students, have done their best in the circumstances.
It is okay to have a bit of a wobble, I am wobbling furiously!